This function returns one of the nine neo-boolean values used
in fuzzy logic: true, false, maybe, sure, what, whoa, depends,
look-let's-talk-about-this-later-when-we're-not-in-public, and elbows.
The value returned is determined by standard anti-random vacillation
routines.
reconsider EXPR
This causes the program to evaluate an expression until such time
as it feels reasonably sure of its conclusion. Depending on the
system and expression, this may take a fraction of a second or an entire
freshman semester.
while (EXPR) BLOCK holdon (EXPR) BLOCK
This works like a standard while loop at first, but at some point
the function realizes it's been bringing personal issues into the
evaluation in an inappropriate manner and begins to evaluate
the expression named by holdon instead in an attempt to appear reasonable.
goaway LABEL
This causes the program to execute starting at LABEL, while making it
clear to the program that you could care less whether it ever returned
to the present execution point or not. Calling the apology function later
may cause the program to return to the statement
directly after the goaway, but it may also cause the program to exit entirely,
depending on how much you've been taking it for granted.
Use of this function has been generally deprecated since the publication
of the landmark essay "'GOAWAY' Considered Thoughtless."
pile LIST
This function takes a LIST and sorts it until the function realizes
there are too many items in the "miscellaneous" category and tries
to figure out a better sorting scheme, then gets bored and leaves
a big pile of unsorted items at the end. Returns a semi-sorted list
with a big pile of unsorted items at the end.
grudge VARIABLE
The grudge function causes a program to develop an immediate
dislike of the named variable, causing many operations involving
that variable to return false for no apparent reason.
pedestal VARIABLE
This causes the program to attach unhealthy significance to VARIABLE.
The program will consider the named variable to be a microcosm of its
own existence and will fall into a deep depression if the variable is
undefined, ignored, or treated poorly. Both grudge and pedestal can
be used on the same variable, causing the program to develop a love-hate
relationship with the variable in question. This can be fun.
skim FILEHANDLE
This function quickly looks over the data contained in FILEHANDLE,
trying to get the gist of it and looking for any dirty bits or
clever quotations it can use at parties to impress people.
oblique PLAINTEXT, WIT
The oblique function uses a form of lossy encryption to convert PLAINTEXT
into a witty-but-obscure cultural or social reference which will only
make sense to people or processes that share a similar background with
the calling program. WIT is a number between 0 and 7 which determines
the cleverness and obscurity of the reference, where 0 will return a
catchphrase from a recent television advertisement and 7 will return a
reference to The Consolation of Philosophy by Boethius.
With careful application, this function can be used to create entire online
humor magazines.
